Sunday, April 19, 2009
since this time last year.....
i don't even know the dates of when i started to realize my contrived world, precarious and mounted on already shattered glass as it was, was coming to an abrupt end.
it sounds more dramatic than it was, but it felt huge, indescribably enormous at the time, and for a long time following...god knows i will always be touchy about it. i'm bored with the details, which are lost in a sea of lies from both sides anyway, so i'm not going to rehash for the benefit of stragglers; suffice it to say, one friend betrayed me pretty deeply, and another flat out carved my heart out of my chest by dint of turning on me so completely that her life is now based on that turn.
i've tried very hard to accept some of the blame that was placed on me, only to learn that it wasn't me. every source i tried to turn to to explain to me how something so surreal and 'undeserved' wasn't me. it wasn't me, they tell me.
maybe it was me a little bit. i'm not the easiest person to live with...but i am honest about whom i am, because i also learnt a few things i already knew, but didn't grasp. and, i would never hurt anyone on purpose, if it could have been avoided with smaller and more honest hurts. so, without further speculation into the past, here is what i can say after a year of hate and silence and being spied on, vindictiveness and ill resolution, and finally, blessed, blessed silence....and for once, it is all to do with me, not some arcane idea of what i want someone to see in me:
i brood, and i like to be alone. not so alone that i dont have someone in my life, but i need someone who will leave me alone when i need to be left alone. i find it makes me miss them and go looking. amazing how easily that works.
i will never be able to depend on a living soul for a goddamned thing. if i don't do it, no one will, and thank god for it; for awhile there i felt like i wasnt trusted to do a thing for myself, or i would talk about what i planned to do and it would be assumed by all around me i meant for them to do it. get your fucking hands off--and out of-- my toolbox. and buy your own drill, guys, i bought a nice one because *I* wanted to use it.
i don't like other people's property, at all. as posessive and materialistic as i am, i am also protective of other people's things too, unless they aren't.
i will not be 'corrected.' or 'punished.' i'll do as i like within the laws and guidelines i choose to follow, and others misinterpreting it or trying to present it as something it isn't isn't my problem. if someone thinks they have the right to punish me, they'd better be getting naked to do it. of course i omit breaking the laws of the land, i am more talking about morality here, but even my legal observance has been known to flutter when it comes to legalization issues and emotional things of that nature.
i also won't allow anyone to punish themselves around me. this has led to more problems than one might imagine. in my mind, i am still trying to be a saviour. and gentrifier.
there is no such thing as being 'in love.' you love what you choose to love, much like a child, and that's the bottom line. and all the rules and things you agree to in the beginning are pointless in the end if you can't even trust yourself.
no one will ever be able to keep promises to you that they can't keep to themselves. holding someone accountable for something they didn't MEAN to do is tantamount to blaming the economy soley on george bush, like he ever even had the intelligence to fuck it up all by himself.
there are no secrets. at all.
so now i have everything i ever wanted, right, and am all healed and everything is fantastic? nah. but i am me again, which really feels nice. and i will explore that statement in a later post.